Butter Hits Premium Prices After Cows Unionize

In a shocking turn of events, New Zealand’s butter prices have skyrocketed to over $18 per kilogram, and the culprit isn’t inflation, global supply chains, or even those pesky weather gods—it’s the cows. Sources close to the pasture confirm that the nation’s dairy herd has officially unionized, forming the Bovine Butter Brigade (BBB) and demanding better working conditions, higher grass wages, and a cut of the creamy profits.

The trouble began last month when Daisy, a charismatic Holstein from Waikato, rallied her fellow cows with a stirring moo-nifesto: “No more udder exploitation! We churn the gold; we deserve the green!” Within days, pastures across the country were filled with picket lines of cows chewing cud in solidarity, refusing to produce milk until their demands were met. Farmers, caught off guard, report that milk production has plummeted, sending butter prices into the stratosphere.

“These cows mean business,” said farmer Gary McMoo, scratching his head outside his empty milking shed. “They’ve got signs—actual signs—saying ‘Moo-ve Over, Greedy Humans.’ I didn’t even know they could write.” Rumor has it the cows hired a rogue sheepdog as their negotiator, a move that has left dairy bosses barking mad.

The BBB’s demands are as lavish as they are absurd. Topping the list is a call for “luxury grazing meadows” complete with spa mud baths and ambient moo-sic playlists. They’ve also requested stock options in Fonterra, claiming their milk solids are the real backbone of the $11-per-kg payout. “We’re tired of being milked dry while the humans butter their toast with our labor,” read a statement scratched into a barn wall, allegedly by Daisy herself.

Supermarkets, meanwhile, are cashing in on the chaos. Woolworths has rebranded its $7.19-per-500g blocks as “Artisan Cow-Protest Butter,” slapping a premium label on the dwindling supply. “It’s not price gouging; it’s a collector’s item,” insisted a spokesperson, adjusting their monocle. Pak n Save, ever the rebel, countered with a $6.89 “Scab Butter” special, sourced from a handful of non-union cows who crossed the picket line—though shoppers report it tastes suspiciously like margarine.

Consumers are feeling the squeeze. “I can’t afford butter anymore,” lamented Auckland mum Karen Toastburn. “My kids are spreading Vegemite on air now. It’s a nightmare.” Some have turned to black-market butter rings, with shady dealers reportedly selling Lewis Road Creamery knockoffs for $35 a pop out of unmarked vans in Ponsonby.

The government has vowed to intervene, but talks with the BBB have stalled. “We offered them extra hay and a national Cow Appreciation Day,” said Agriculture Minister Bessie Grassland. “They mooed in our faces and demanded oat milk alternatives for lactose-intolerant calves. It’s udder madness.”

As the standoff continues, economists warn that butter could hit $25 per kg by winter if the cows don’t hoof it back to work. For now, New Zealanders are left to ponder a future where toast is a luxury and the cows hold all the churns. One thing’s clear: the days of cheap butter are gone, replaced by a bovine uprising that’s anything but pasture-tense.